Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
I don't like jokes in speeches. I do like wit and humor. A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel.
When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.
Humor is this great equalizer. It gets people's defenses down, and once they're down, you can discuss some really difficult topics.
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!
We need not invite the Devil to our table; he is too ready to come without being asked. The air all about us is filled with demons.
That's Washington. That's the place where you find people getting ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired.
You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor.
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
A sense of humor always withers in the presence of the messianic delusion, like justice and the truth in front of patriotic passion.
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
My dad instilled in me a great sense of humor. I wasn't bullied at school because my outward attitude was confident, and that helps.
I didn't have all the expectations and the publicity. It probably made me work harder and learn more. It was a blessing in disguise.
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
At the heart of quantum mechanics is a rule that sometimes governs politicians or CEOs-as long as no one is watching, anything goes.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
A sense of humor judges one's actions and the actions of others from a wider reference. It pardons shortcomings, it consoles failure.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances.
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.
If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.
Humor helps us get through life with a modicum of grace. It offers one of the few benign ways of coping with the absurdity of it all.
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Though many of Obsidian's games have featured wry, sardonic humor, the developer has stuck to more serious fantasy and sci-fi themes.
Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.
Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!
Basically, I think you need two things to get by in this world: a sense of humor and the ability to laugh when your ego is destroyed.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.