Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When you've got something really good, you don't have to force it on people. They will steal it!
America is 5 percent of the world's population and consumes 96 percent of the world's hard drugs.
A Klaner KKK is a cat who gets out of bed in the middle of the night and takes his sheet with him.
That's easy, to stand in a nightclub, where most of the people that come in, they came to see you.
America is concerned more with the possibility of moon folks than the reality of hungry poor folks.
One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.
Every holiday on the calendar, I check in a hotel and fast - I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't talk.
In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.
The jelly-bean eating thug says that national defense is important. But national defense starts at home.
I consider myself always a humorist. And I think anybody who tells jokes or makes people laugh is humor.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
Martin Luther King taught us all nonviolence. I was told to extend nonviolence to the mother and her calf.
I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.
Because you make me laugh don't make you a comic. A comedian is a person who, that's how they make their living.
Wouldn't it be a helluva joke if all this were really burnt cork and you people were being tolerant for nuthin'?
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.
The funniest jokes you know aren't from comics but relatives, friends - from your life. That's the funniest stuff.
If you can justify killing to eat meat, you can justify the conditions of the ghetto. I cannot justify either one.
The United States is the most dishonest, ungodly, unspiritual nation that ever existed in the history of the planet.
America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don't misuse a household pet.
When I was a boy, I was taught never to use insulting expressions like, 'I've been gypped,' or, 'He welshed on the deal.'
I waited at the counter of a white restaurant for eleven years. When they finally integrated, they didn't have what I wanted.
You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.
Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.
I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.
Dogs are great assets to candidates, and the feeling seems to be engendered that if a dog loves the candidate, he can't be all that bad.
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
Once we used to have to crank up our cars, now you can pop it on from inside your house. Everything has changed except how we get freedom.
Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.
If all you can do is judge a person by their appearance, because you don't have the spirit to judge someone from within, you're in trouble.
I feel that the same God-force that is the mother and father of the Pope is also the mother and father of the loneliest wino on the planet.
What price would God demand from the churches for having the audacity to lighten the color of his son's skin, and straighten out his nappy hair?
When I first broke through, there was only NBC, CBS and ABC, and they had news in the morning and in the evening - there wasn't no 24-hour news.
Black conservatives have a right to exist, but why would I want to walk around with a swastika on my shirt after the way Hitler done messed it up?
The NAACP is a wonderful organization . . . But do you realize if tomorrow morning we had complete integration, all them cats would be outta work?
When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete's feet don't exist, there's something wrong.
People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.
My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn't a Christian, she would stomp you to death.
And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.
Whenever the dollar is held supreme and capitalistic interests dominate, a higher value will always be placed upon property rights than upon human rights.
Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.
In the South they don't mind how close I get, so long as I don't get too big. In the North they don't mind how big I get, so long as I don't get too close.
So why would I want to call myself a conservative after the way them white racist thugs have used that word to hide behind? They call themselves new Republicans.
You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you haven't got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don't need, you can't be white.
I never thought I'd see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so, than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we was in Mississippi.
I didn't realize, when I decided to be a comic, that a black person had never been allowed to stand flat-footed in America and talk to white folks. It never happened before.
In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.
No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.
It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn't stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.