Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If I'm in an uncomfortable situation, I think I can say something funny to defuse it. Sometimes you can't.
The whole debate on what food is best for us is complex, ongoing and often controlled by vested interests.
President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike.
One thing about mildly dyslexic people - they're good at setting everything else aside to pursue one goal.
You might be a redneck if you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn.
You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to Georgia on My Mind.
I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics.
I can remember the first face-lift show that came on. I rang up everyone - are you watching? I'm watching.
The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
It's really easy to do sad; you just put on some sad music and write dramatically - everybody can do that.
It's exciting to do something you're writing. And it's also a lot easier to memorize because you wrote it.
Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.
I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.
Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"
Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
I love the challenge of an entire year has gone by and how has that affected the character you're playing.
Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.
Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life.
Stand-up wasn't a calling. It was more like, 'What can I do that isn't going to make me really depressed?'
We're all basically decent human beings so if 3,000 people are laughing at a joke then it's worth telling.
Not Going Out' is a pretty neutral sitcom - to quote the 'Seinfeld' thing, it's not really about anything.
TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.
I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.
Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.
Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever.
People are really terrified of me. I don't know why, I'm very nice, but people are very intimidated by me.
Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
In one day, I got mistaken for three different actresses: Wendy Williams, Sherri Shepherd, and Star Jones.
I throw out compliments to strangers all the time, because I would like it back at me, and do unto others.
A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.
[sam] Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always [bomb].
The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.
The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.
The doctor's name was Sylvia. I told her she'd have a problem with me because Sylvia was my mother's name.
When you slide into television, no one tells you exactly how manage expectations and work with your staff.
I was a pedantic child. I'd get really annoyed at the logic of small things that don't bother anyone else.
I'm not the sort of comedian who wants to make audiences think about politics. I'm not clever in that way.
I find it more challenging to do something new. But I would love to do a third series of 'Phoenix Nights.'
Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, Stop shaking! Never got a dinner!
The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.
I'm hypoglycemic, so if I don't eat I start to get really blood-sugar crazy. I feel like I'm going insane.
I actually prefer night shoots to days. I prefer being up. It's easier for me. I'm more of a night person.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.