Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm just kind of a regular guy.
I've learned to control my anxiety.
I love partying and I love laughing.
Men scream, that's why they gave us voices.
I say off-the-wall things to get a response.
You don't go to a school and major in partying.
I'm not technically brand-friendly to feminists.
I generate a lot of good vibrations, good energy.
I like parties. I like talking and conversations.
Doing a reality show is like being in a fraternity.
People take getting offended in L.A. to an art form.
I don't have that kind of brain where I can spell-check.
I think I've got the coolest friends in the entire world, I really do.
My personality has gotten me some really good job interviews in New York.
There's nothing like making a crowd laugh. For me that's the ultimate high.
It's not hard to find the energy to do the things you absolutely want to do.
I love touring. I love stand up. I love getting on a tour bus with my friends.
I'm the guy who needs to be front and center. I joined a fraternity to do that.
Busch Gardens was my theme park; it was where I went on my day off from school.
I did nine years with Travel Channel and had all of these incredible experiences.
I like comics like Janeane Garofalo who is very stream of conscious in an honest way.
I know the one thing that will reset my button is getting up and running a fast mile.
The Travel Channel named me the professional fun seeker, and that's exactly what I am.
I'm a big believer in saying things out loud, I think he that helps you focus your goals.
There are days where I'm like, 'Oh, my God, I'm so happy I'm living the life I'm living.'
I love giggling more than anything in the world. It's my favorite thing in the world to do.
I'm such a lazy traveler. When I go to a city now, I hang out around the venue. I'm boring.
If there's an adrenaline rush, I will find it; if there's an anxiety attack, I will have it.
I love going on other people's podcasts - in my opinion not enough people ask me to be guests!
I really respect those guys that get $250,000 for punching up scripts, because it's an art form.
There is nothing that I'm more compelled to do than get up in front of a crowd and make people laugh.
The first and last song I ever wrote was a ballad I was quite proud of, and one I would play for anyone, anywhere.
I run into guys all the time that say, 'Me and my three buddies started fat shaming each other and we collectively lost 130 pounds.'
Don't hole up in your apartment and just write jokes, be a real human being and develop your own voice. Then you will be undeniable.
I get this weird energy that starts in my feet and goes up and fills my head, and I just want to get everyone in the crowd to laugh.
I grew up Catholic and still feel a lot of Catholic guilt. But my wife is not religious so we're not raising our daughters religiously.
I'm a comedian. I want you to laugh. That's my main goal. I punch things up to get things tighter, quicker and get you to the joke faster.
I'd love to be a movie star. That'd be great. But I lost the looks awhile ago. They slipped right through my hands like sand in an hourglass.
My favorite thing to do is just hang out at home and watch a movie with my wife and my two daughters. There's nothing outrageous about that but it's the best thing I can do.
I need someone to be like, 'I can beat Bert in a marathon.' And then my Mickey Mantle genes will kick in and I'll start going, 'No you can't. You can't beat me, because I'll beat myself.'
When people think of New York, they don't automatically think of going to Chelsea Piers and Pier 40, where you're going to find a soccer field, a baseball field, the trapeze and bowling alleys.
Skydiving is fascinating, the best part is cruising in the air and realizing that the dice has been thrown and you're either going to die or not. It's a very helpless feeling but it's so freeing.
My biggest regret is by far doing the Travel Channel show, 'Bert the Adventurer.' I spent seven years away from my family. I don't regret the job or working for the channel; I regret being away from home.
My father grew up in Levittown, L.I., in the first tract housing built for G.I.'s. His dad had stormed the beaches of Omaha and died when my father was very young. My dad had to raise himself, pretty much.
Some of the most fun I've ever had has been filming 'Bert the Conqueror.' As a stand-up comedian, I love putting this humorous spin on travel, and I get the added bonus of using all these wild adventures in my act.
Part of my personality is I like to have a good time and I'm an extrovert, and extroverts, they blossom as meathead frat boys and extroverts get labeled as meathead frat boys. For me, it's just part of my personality.
I adopted a motto: Never say no. Jim Morrison never said no, Kurt Cobain never said no. You couldn't have great things to write about if all you did was sit in your living room with your roommates talking about the phone bill.
Here's the weird thing about me. I was never one to tell you stories about me. I was always the guy who others told stories about. I was like that up until I was 35 years old. And then I started telling stories about me onstage.
When I was on 'Hurt Bert' on FX - and I'm not crapping on FX, I'm just being honest - there was a point when I realized that they didn't care if I died. If I died, they'd say 'Of course it's a legal thing, but think of the numbers.'
No matter how successful I may get, I'll always be a failed musician, sitting at a concert double-fisting overpriced twenty-ounce beers, wishing it was me on stage brooding soulfully to my fans. I had my shot once, but I let it slip through my fingers.