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According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon.
It's only a matter of time before it all starts to fall apart, before things start to fall off. Short legs, long body. The kind of person who in the Middle Ages would come up over the hill on his horse, and they'd say, 'Get Wogan,' and I'd be there with my shield, the first to die.
People don't remember me for how high my legs went, even though they went up very high, and how many pirouettes I did. They don't remember me for that. They remember me and any other dancer because something touched them inside. It's an indelible memory on the heart and in the mind.
My favorite workouts are the ones that don't feel like I'm working out! So, dance is a big one. Another is any kind of isolated moves, like ballet moves. Anything that works the glutes and legs - sign me up! And I like to blast the music. I have to get lost in the music. That helps.
Webs are made mostly of spaces. They break easily. They barely exist. They belong to the category of half-things: mist, smoke, shrouds, ghosts, membranes, retinas or rags; and they quickly fill up with un-things: old legs and wings and heads and hollow abdomens and body bags of wasps.
From as far back as I can remember, I was always insecure about my looks, whether it was my flat chest, my skinny legs, or how to cope with my body as it changed. With hindsight, I can see I was different. I was given a body that worked for photographic modelling and a photogenic face.
I wanted to be a soccer player, and I became the best of the best, the number one, better than Maradona, better than Pele, and even better than Messi - but only at night, nighttime, during my dreams. When I wake up, I realized that I have wooden legs and that I'm doomed to be a writer.
Ever since I was a little teen, I was told by my great-grandma that you've got to always have a good moisturizer. I use cocoa butter, and I use it for all things needing moisture - face, hair, throw it on those legs at the beach, get them all shiny. Cocoa butter is such a great product.
Tap dancers find it very difficult to do anything other than tap if that is all they have been trained in because, again, it's a whole different ballgame that you're constantly working on - bent legs, loose ankles - which you cannot afford to do when you're doing jumps or anything else.
I remember the original injury happening in 1993, when I first was in WCW, and I've had a few neck injuries since, but with no pain. There was some pain, here and there, but not much. Eventually, it turned into a major problem, with my legs not moving well, so I had to have surgery done.
If I refuse to allow my leg to be amputated, its mortification and my death may prove that I was wrong; but if I let the leg go, nobody can ever prove that it would not have mortified had I been obstinate. Operation is therefore the safe side for the surgeon as well as the lucrative side.
One of the first houses we lived in was like out of a fairy story. We had a stream that ran through our garden, and we played with the ducks - we locked them in my mum's office, and they pooed everywhere. It was crazy, picking blackberries and mushrooms, rabbits running through your legs.
I only thought I'd get one arm done at first. One arm turned into the other arm. Then I started tattooing my lower arms. I remember saying, 'Mom, don't worry, I'm never going to do anything on my neck.' Then I went to my neck and my chest and my legs, and I kept on progressing from there.
Building a robot that has legs and walks around is a very expensive proposition. Mother Nature has created many wonderful things, but one thing we do have that nature doesn't is the wheel, a continuous rotating joint, and tracks, so we need to make use of inventions to make things simpler.
A man can spend several hours sitting cross-legged in the same position if he knows that noting prevents him from changing it; but if he knows that he has to sit with his legs crossed like that, he will get cramps, his legs will twitch and strain towards where he would like to stretch them.
In college, the line is so close that you can kind of half-heartedly shoot the ball off-balance and fading away. To shoot an NBA three, because the arc of your shot has to be a little higher, you have to be squared up and get your legs into it more, which can be tough in the fourth quarter.
What I believe in and the way I work with my clients is we're so quick to say what we don't like about our bodies, but it's really important to say the things we do like about our bodies. If you know you have great legs or a great butt, or if you're curvy, show it off if you're proud of it.
I've had problems with my eyes, and my legs hurt if I walk a great deal. That's due to very bad circulation. It's called claudication, and it's painful. So I have to stop if I'm walking, and pretending I'm looking in the window, so that I can rest them a little bit and then start off again.
The thing I always try to remember is that feet are attached to the leg, and that you must prolong the silhouette. The shoe elongates the leg and does it discreetly. The goal is to get people to look at a woman's legs. It's all about the leg. No, it's not about the leg. It's about the woman.
It's just as important to work on the little muscle groups as well as the big muscle groups. People, when they train, go to gyms. I call them 'nightclub bodies' - ginormous up top, and legs are little sticks. You see a lot of people, and they forget you can't leave the little muscles behind.
The first time someone I loved left me behind...I didn't know how my family would balance. We had been such a sturdy little end table, four solid legs. I was sure we would now be off-kilter, always unstable. Until one day I looked more closely, and realized that we had simply become a stool.
I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.
I learned to ride a ten-speed when I was 4 or 5. My uncle gave me the bike, hand-me-down, and everyone used to stare at me riding up and down this block. I was too short to reach the pedals, so I put my legs through the V of the frame. I was famous. The little kid who could ride the ten-speed.
If you bound the arms and legs of gold-medal swimmer Michael Phelps, weighed him down with chains, threw him in a pool and he sank, you wouldn't call it a 'failure of swimming.' So, when markets have been weighted down by inept and excessive regulation, why call this a 'failure of capitalism'?
I've reached a point where I'm comfortable in my own skin, and I do what I need to do, to feel good, but I'm built the way I am. The dancer's feet, the bruises on my legs, they're not going to go away. I think real girls have bruises. Tough chicks get bruised. They get dirty. And they have fun.
There's something brave and touching about game girls of all ages keeping themselves smart in hard times - one thinks of those wonderful women during World War II drawing stocking seams in eyebrow pencil up the back of legs stained with gravy browning because nylons were so hard to get hold of.
It never surprises me how good Shaun is. Even the coaches are surprised by the things he does and I can understand why. He can strike the ball so hard, yet his legs are only about 12 inches long. But I've been watching him do things like that ever since we were kids. I know what he's capable of.
I'm really grateful to my parents for having the confidence in me to let me go. I was terrified I might have to slink back to the village with my tail between my legs, and treated every job as though it were my last - I still do - but fortunately, I got work and things seemed to slot into place.
From early on in my career, I was always challenged to create things. Early in my career, I created 'ground and pound.' When I fought Royce Grace the second time, I developed that: stay on guard, follow the hips, press the legs down, press the hips down. When he rested, I ground and pounded him.
I always like balance. If I'm playing rock music all the time, chances are I'll start craving some lighter, poppier stuff, both to listen to and to play. I compare music to massage. If someone's been working on your back for a long time, you really want them to move down to your legs or something.
As far as I'm concerned, I own my dogs as I own my body. My legs are with me when I take a shower, and I feel no shame. If I were to lose one, I'd grieve, and people would send sympathy cards, but it would be my condition that evoked the sympathy, not the fate of the leg. That's like losing a dog.
Being asked to support humane meat means being asked to support the suffering of animals in transport, to approve of treatment that causes them palpable fear, their bodies shaking and their eyes wide as saucers, as they are slung by their legs into crates that are slammed onto the back of a truck.
I don't think it's about playing and singing, to be honest. That seems like old news, you know? I wasn't thinking about that. I just think that's in my body now. Dancers don't think about their legs moving one way and their arms moving another. Over time, you incorporate that into your instrument.
I told my dad 'Yeah, I’m going to be a drummer', and he said 'Well, if you can rub your stomach at the same time as you pat your head at the same time you’re standing on one leg and kicking the other one out in a circle and say the pledge of allegiance'. And I did all that just like bam, you know?
The biggest memory I have is the 1984 European Cup final against Roma and my 'spaghetti legs' routine during the penalty shoot-out that won us the trophy. People said I was being disrespectful to their players, but I was just testing their concentration under pressure. I guess they failed that test.
Mum was a high-jumper and qualified to go to the Olympics, but it got into the newspapers that she was married to my father, and the church put pressure on her to pull out of the Olympic team, saying, 'You can't be exposing all your legs.' That's how strong the influence of the church was on us all.
They're very tenacious. They're dedicated. Once a woman decides she's going to do something, she'll probably stick to it. The only problem with women is if there's anything wrong with them, they won't tell you. They'll get out there and run on one leg. They don't moan and groan like a lot of men do.
Before it was decided that I was going to be adopted, my mother was going to abort me. I was born with tangled legs; they never thought I'd be able to dance... without knowing it, as a child I overcame a lot thanks to really doting, loving parents and a great family and a hard work ethic on my part.
Like, I don't do drills at all. I think that's why a lot of people who handle the basketball, I think mine looks different. You know, 'cause I've never done a drill. I've never done 'get to a chair and go through your legs,' or 'get to a spot and a cone and go through your legs or behind your back.'
I found the hedge-fund guys I met all to be very, very concentrated listeners - watchful and articulate and quick to defend, if needed. They all seemed to have this contained sitting posture. The legs, if they weren't crossed at right angles, tended to be close over the knee, their hands put together.
We used to have massively long discussions about how we should stand on stage. Should we stand with our legs apart? No, all the guys with guitars in skinny jeans stand with their legs apart, and you'd think, 'We can't stand like that.' We'd spend hours and hours, days and days, discussing how to stand.
Obviously what I think Senator [John] Kerry was pointing to, which is absolutely correct, which is the essential part of the strategy or a key component or a leg on the stool, is an Afghan partner that is ready to take control of both the security situation in Afghanistan, and the civilian side of that.
I hate that there'll be moments in my day and I'll be patting down my legs trying to find my phone. I hate how anxious it makes me feel when I don't have it. When I go on holiday, or I go back to Australia, I put my phone in my bag and I don't worry about it; I think differently and I feel less stressed.
When I was fourteen, my father decided to initiate me into the ways of manhood, and took me to the local whorehouse. The woman spread her legs, and made me look between them. All I could see was something that looked like a dyin' orchid; consequently, I have never been comfortable around women or orchids.
I tore up my knee break dancing. I have no idea how that happened. Apparently these legs are meant for swimming, but not dancing. I was watching an MTV video, thinking, 'I can do this.' Definitely not. I heard a pop. I sat down and it blew up like a watermelon. I had to go to the hospital and get surgery.
I want to be a Bond girl. Think about it - I have metal components in my legs, so when I go through airport security, I set off the alarms. But when they realize why I'm beeping, they let me through. What if I had weapons in my legs? I could take one off and pull out an Uzi! Legs Galore - that would be me!
When you hear Beast Mode, you automatically go to my size, but I always say the strongest thing I own is not my chest, my legs, not my arms. It's my mind. It's that mindset that says: Look, you're not always going to succeed but don't take it as a loss, take it as a lesson. That's the mindset of Beast Mode.
I went through a lot of changes and a period of depression. I'd reached an age when I had to grow up and start taking life a bit more seriously, which had a huge impact on me. I suffered terrible anxiety, and sometimes, in the middle of a game, my legs would start shaking uncontrollably. It was pretty scary.
Just getting from the airport straight to the gym is gonna be your best bet to knock off that rust and wake yourself up and get that blood flowing. You sit in a car or a plane cramped up, you lose a lot of blood flow and get that swelling in your legs. There are all kinds of dangers in sitting still too long.
I think that what we do out on the field is oftentimes a little bit better than what men do. I don't think that we flop around as much. I think we're tough. I mean, I've got battle wounds on my legs from the turf and sliding. And we're gritty. And we're feisty. And I think that I would never back down from a guy.